The Conundrum of Margery Kempe
by charcoalowl1993
Summary: An alternate universe where Margery Kempe time travels to the present and wreaks havoc during an appointment with a psychiatrist.


Dr. Gary Nutt was completely bewildered by his newest patient. As a psychiatrist for the past 30 years, he was used to dealing with eccentric people, but Margery Kempe definitely took the cake. Dressed in a white, flowing gown, she sat across from him in a well-worn, comfy leather armchair. Her huge eyes bored into his. Unnerved by the sight, Gary loudly cleared his throat and forced himself to smile.

"Well, Mrs. Kempe, how are we today? Make any new friends at the shelter?" Margery claimed to be a time traveler from the early 1400s, and was currently residing at a women's shelter affiliated with the hospital at which Gary practiced. A group of university students had found her wandering around their campus 11 kilometres away, sobbing about the miracles performed by Jesus Christ.

Margery stirred in her seat, blinking slowly. "Not really, kind sir. I believe you are the only friend I have in this strange world."

Gary felt a pang of sympathy for the woman. "Oh, that can't be true. I'm sure you've met somebody else. Perhaps made chitchat with a roommate?"

"No. The other women avoid me." At Gary's pitying expression, she hastily added, "It's alright. I'm used to it. On my pilgrimages to Rome and Jerusalem, my travelling companions hated me. They left me several times, and they wouldn't let me sit with them at mealtimes. They thought I was annoying. And at home in England, my fellow villagers called me a Lollard and tried to have me burned at the stake."

"My God!" This was too much information for Gary to process. "I suppose it's a good thing you're not there anymore."

"Not at all. I'm happy to face such hardships for God. He sends me many trials and tribulations to test me."

"Why would he do that?" Gary settled back in his own armchair and took a large gulp of coffee from his mug. His seven-year-old son had given him the mug last Father's Day; on one side, the words _World's Best Dad_ were messily scribbled in permanent marker.

"I've been a very sinful woman."

Gary spit out his mouthful of coffee and started coughing uncontrollably, only regaining his power of speech after a few moments. "My apologies, Mrs. Kempe. You caught me off-guard there, when you said…" Margery looked at him quizzically. "Umm, never mind. Now, you were saying at our last session that you have a special relationship with Jesus Christ? That you have visions?"

"Oh yes." Margery stared off into the distance, eyes unfocused, a serene smile on her face. "The first time I saw him, he appeared to me at my bedside. He was handsome, fashionably dressed, and very kind to me. He loves me and I love him."

Gary was slightly taken aback. His patient was talking about Jesus Christ in the same way his teenage daughter talked about Justin Bieber. He shuddered, remembering when he was coerced into taking his daughter to a concert. For hours, he was forced to watch the conceited crooner swagger about on stage while being squished from all sides by thousands of screaming fangirls. "So you and Justin – I mean Jesus Christ – love each other… romantically?"

"Yes. We are husband and wife, father and daughter, mother and son, brother and sister."

Gary was extremely confused by this statement. His patient looked at him calmly as if this were a perfectly normal thing to tell a person. "Uhh, I see." He picked up his fountain pen and made some random doodles on a fresh page of his professional monogrammed notebook. "And what do you and Jesus Christ talk about?"

Margery thought for a moment. "Once I was worrying about how I'm not a virgin. And that I won't be able to dance in heaven with the holy maidens and virgins. I was distraught, until my lord Jesus Christ told me that it doesn't matter; he loves me anyway, as much as any maiden in the world. He told me that since I am a virgin in my soul, I'll be able to dance in heaven with the others."

Gary really didn't know what to say to this. "Uhh, that's nice of him. Virginity is an outdated concept anyway."

"Oh yes, he's very nice." Margery leaned forward, lowering her voice to a whisper to confide in him. "He says all my family members will be saved along with me, and that I'll have double reward in heaven."

Personally, Gary thought that all this seemed a little too convenient for his patient, but he didn't want to antagonize her. "Your future in heaven seems close to perfect, Mrs. Kempe. I'm almost jealous."

"You needn't be, good sir. Anyone who believes that God loves me will be given anything they wish for, or something better." Margery gave Gary a special little smile, as if she were a teacher bestowing a reward upon her favourite student.

"I'd like a red Ferrari, and a private island!" Gary chuckled to himself at this most excellent joke, and felt a bit disappointed when his patient stared blankly at him. "Just kidding," he said quickly, in case she was mad at him. There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, before Gary could take it no longer. "So, erm, knowing God like you do, do you have any idea what heaven will be like?"

Margery's eyes glazed over and an eerie smile spread across her face. "I hear beautiful melodies and smell sweet fragrances. It is full merry in heaven!" Gary made an attempt at diagnosing her. The woman was clearly delusional and hallucinating. Perhaps schizophrenia? He had just picked up his pen and scribbled this diagnosis into his notebook when the office door was flung open, and in marched his young assistant, Steve. His patient took one look at him and burst into tears.

"Mrs. Kempe! Mrs. Kempe, please!" Gary jumped up from his seat, hands aflutter. He grabbed a box of Kleenex from his desk and started tearing out tissues at breakneck speed. Steve froze in the middle of the room, looking worriedly over at Margery. The inconsolable woman had now slid out of her chair and was lying facedown on the carpeted floor, limbs spasming violently and wailing at the top of her lungs.

"Please tell me what's wrong!" Gary got down on his knees beside her and ineffectually patted her back. His patient's head whipped up, hair flying everywhere, and Gary fell back in shock. Margery pointed an accusatory finger at Steve the assistant.

"He's so handsome!" she bawled, tears streaming down her face. "He looks like my lord Jesus Christ in the flesh!" Margery let her head fall back to the floor with a thud. Steve was a bit flattered. It was true; with his golden locks, baby blue eyes, gleaming white teeth, and chiseled abs, he could easily be a contestant on America's Next Top Model. Gary, on the other hand, was a bit disgruntled because Margery hadn't made such a big deal out of his looks.

"Pull yourself together now, Mrs. Kempe," said Gary rather sharply. Both men helped Margery to her feet. She wiped her face with the tissues Gary handed her, then blew her nose into them with a honk.

"I apologize, gentle sirs," Margery finally managed to say. "But the anchoress Dame Julian told me that tears torment the devil, and God told me that the saints of heaven drink my tears." Gary wearily rubbed at his forehead and exhaled loudly.

"I think it's time to end our session for today, Mrs. Kempe." Gary grabbed a prescription pad and scribbled something unintelligible, then tore off the top sheet and handed it to Margery. "You need to take this for your anxiety, and have my secretary book another session for next week." As Gary watched Steve escort Margery out the door, he felt a deep sense of foreboding in his heart. The good doctor knew that he had barely begun to scratch the surface of the conundrum known as Margery Kempe.

FIN


End file.
